Wait it Out
by Oliviet
Summary: It was an odd feeling: having to remind herself to breathe. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before; she normally had better self-control than this. Please R&R.
1. Nigtmares

**AN: The Boy with the Answer. Not much else to say, other than I have at least 2 other stories I **_**should**_** be updating right now. But when inspiration hits…Enjoy!**

He was dumbfounded; utterly and completely dumbfounded. And to top it all off, it was like déjà vu all over again. He was left standing outside of The Founding Fathers, confused, as she got in a cab and left him wondering if he would ever see her again. Left him heartbroken as she turned around to look at him for what may be the last time. It was six years ago all over again, minus the rain.

He'd always feared that this day would come. He'd just nearly avoided it last year when they were going to China and she'd remembered why she became an anthropologist in the first place. But now…now she was connecting with the victims. The bones had concrete faces and living families, the complete opposite of her ancient remains. The hard outer shell that had once kept her emotions at bay was starting to crack. She was starting to feel the pain that came with the job; a pain she hadn't signed up for.

A job without Bones was like…a day without air. He knew he was being dramatic, but he couldn't lose her, not now, not ever. Sure he had told her that he was going to move on and find someone he could spend the next 50 years with, but the truth was there was no one but her.

And the Jeffersonian would be _nothing_ without her. She was the glue that held them all together. She was his _partner_. What would they do without her? Where would this leave the interns? How…just…no. He couldn't let this happen.

But she didn't answer him when he'd asked if he would see her again. Instead she'd left him, like she had made a habit of doing. He knew now that, in her mind, she was protecting him from herself, as she'd phrased it all those weeks ago when she had crushed him. He still didn't understand how her hurting him was protecting him, but then again there were a lot of things about her he still didn't get.

Booth scrubbed his hands over his face before hailing a taxi of his own. He slid into the back, and without thinking, told the driver Brennan's address.

He was suddenly worried about her. She'd been acting like anyone but herself lately and it only seemed to happen around him. All throughout this case, she'd been practically screaming at everyone that she was fine. Yes, she'd been buried alive, but what was done was done. Then he'd gotten her alone in her apartment and she'd confessed to these awful nightmares. Frightening images of Hodgins bleeding and him drowning and her struggling to help them, save them, as her friends died right before her eyes.

It just seemed so unlike her to hear about her waking up in a cold sweat constantly from an event that was almost four years old. She was human after all, but this was_ Bones_ he was talking about here. She'd always seemed fearless around him, except for when it came to snakes… He couldn't figure out why, but these nightmares of hers were starting to scare _him._

He also couldn't push out of his mind her reaction to Hodgins and Angela's recent secret marriage. Sure she'd toasted them, repeating all of the things she hated about the thought of marriage…but she'd continued to steal glances at him throughout the remainder of the night. And as they left, she kept saying how everything was going to be different now, how everything was changing. He'd told her they'd still be partners, but she'd brushed off the thought, debating a hiatus from their work.

Booth then thought about all of the changes that were taking place. Angela and Hodgins were married, Sweets and Daisy were engaged, and Cam was finally seeing someone and she had a daughter. That left the two of them. Two people he was sure belonged together. Two people…

The cab pulled up in front of Brennan's apartment. He'd almost forgotten that he'd instructed the driver to bring him here. But he did know one thing: this time he wasn't going to let her just walk away from him…

(Insert line break here.)

It was an odd feeling: having to remind herself to breathe. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before; she normally had better self-control than this. Even after she'd told Booth that the only thing they could ever be was partners, she'd been able to control her emotions.

But now, she was practically hyperventilating; something that was entirely new to her. This was why she stayed out of relationships, stayed away from the living. The pain her 15-year-old self had experienced had been enough to last a lifetime. It was a pain she had never wanted to experience again. But as she contemplated the thought of leaving Booth and the Jeffersonian behind, the pain came rushing back accompanied by a wave of guilt for bringing that very same pain to him.

There was a knock on her door. It had to be him. Brennan wiped at the tears trickling down her cheeks as she opened the door.

"You shouldn't be here." She said it with a bitter edge to her voice. She hated that he had followed her back here, but was happy that she wasn't alone anymore at the same time.

"You must be crazy, if you would think that I would just let you drive away from me again like that."

"It's not like you wouldn't have seen me tomorrow." The moment she said it, she knew that it was a lie. She was planning on avoiding him like the Bubonic Plague.

"See, I wasn't sure about that."

"Why would you question that? I've only seen you every single day for the past five years."

"Not true. You have a thing for traveling to foreign countries, and leaving me behind. Have you booked a flight yet?"

"What? No!"

"Well I just thought that with your sudden urge to leave the team and to 'get back to your roots', you'd be halfway to Abugradad by now."

"That's not even a real place…"

"Not the point, Bones, so not the point."

"And I realize that. I'm not making any major decisions right now, Booth. I thought about what you said, and you were right; my emotions were clouded by this case. But the thing is, I've been feeling like this a lot lately. It's just…not as exciting as it used to be."

"Yeah, and that worries me."

"What?" He wasn't making any sense right now. How could he possibly think that what they just went through was fun?

"Look, I came here tonight to make sure that you're okay."

"I'm fine, Booth."

"You keep saying that, but I know you're not. You told me about the nightmares you'd been having and –"

"They're just nightmares, Booth. Everybody has them. And they should stop now that this whole Grave Digger thing is finally over with."

"But what if they don't? You never actually got justice for what she did to you."

"I can handle it."

"Didn't seem that way yesterday."

"Yesterday, I thought we were going to lose," Brennan said, looking up at the ceiling to avoid his gaze.

"You seemed _terrified_ yesterday…of a _dream_."

"Dammit Booth, don't you get it? It's not the dream that scared me; it was the thought of losing _you_."

She was just as shocked as he was at her admission. She hadn't meant to admit that, not even to herself. The fact that she _needed_ him made her feel weak and pathetic. She had never _needed_ anyone to complete her life, certainly not someone as cliché as a man. But Booth…

"So that's what you meant when you…" he trailed off, adverting his eyes to the floor.

"How did we get here?" she asked softly, barely recognizing her own voice.

"What do you mean?"

"We used to _hate_ each other. Every time you called me 'Bones,' I wanted to scream. We used to make inappropriate remarks about each other's love lives –"

"Okay that last part was just you."

"But now, I can't even imagine you calling me something that _isn't_ 'Bones'. Now every time I think about you and that marine biologist, I…" She shook her head not wanting to finish that sentence. "How did this happen?"

"The heart wants what the heart wants, Bones."

"That is a total personification. The heart can't 'want' anything. Desire forms in the brain and unless I was lied to in all of my anatomy classes, the heart doesn't have a brain."

"It's just an expression."

"Well it's a worthless one that doesn't answer my question."

"That's because I can't answer that question, Bones. I know how it happened for me, now you have to figure out how it happened for you."

"I don't know what that means."

"It means, Bones, that I can pinpoint the exact moment I fell in love with you. And don't take the last part like it's such a shock to you because I told you last month there was something there…Anyway, you have to figure out for yourself why things are the way they are. Because from where I'm standing, change is good. And we're the only two left who have yet to change."

"Why, because we have no plans for marriage?"

"No. Because you're too afraid that you're not capable of change. And yet here you are, wanting to make the biggest change of all and leave the team."

"I already told you that I wasn't making any decisions just yet."

"I know that there are days when this job sucks. I know that any time a bastard murders a child, I want to personally strangle the creep myself. I know that living with the fear that one day, my partner won't be as lucky as she has been and may not make it out alive is _terrifying_. But when it all comes down to it, we're bringing justice to the victims and their families. We're stopping serial killers like Epps, Gormagon, and even the Grave Digger from killing again –"

"We technically haven't even caught Gormagon…we caught Zach…"

"My point that I'm basically trying to make here tonight is that you can't leave and that I'm having trouble trying to see myself with someone who isn't you. I'll leave you to think about that and –"

"What happened to finding someone that you could spend 30 or 40 or 50 years with?"

"I found her."

And before she could do anything to stop him, he was walking out her front door.

**AN: Please review. I'm really debating if I should continue with this or not and I need your input. Pretty please? With Booth on top? Unless you prefer him on the bottom… Whoops sorry, gutter… ;) Anyway Feedback would be greatly appreciated.**


	2. Change

**AN: So first off, thank you so much for the massive response! 20 reviews for one chapter, that has to be a new personal record for me. And then there's all of the adds I received…so grateful! You all wanted me to continue so here it is, containing spoilers from The Beginning in the End. Also a warning that evolution is discussed at the end. I know this can be a touchy subject for some people and I apologize in advance if I offend anyone. I was simply trying to capture the views of the characters. Enjoy!**

Change: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of something different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone.

Change: the very definition of her life of late.

Change: the one thing she considered herself to be "bad" at.

Change: the one thing she wouldn't let happen, which was actually going to occur.

Brennan stared at the skull on the table in front of her. She couldn't surmise how long she'd been sitting there in limbo staring at it. She'd been plagued by this sinking feeling lately, and it was throwing her "off her game" as Booth would have put it. The feeling had been there ever since Booth had left her apartment last week. As usual, they hadn't talked about what they needed to. He'd told her that she was the one he wanted to spend the remainder of his life with…at least that's what she assumed "I've found her" meant. But of course, they hadn't spoken a word about it since.

And now, everything was changing; changing even more than it had been last week. Daisy had been granted the opportunity to go to Indonesia for the hominid project; the same project Brennan had been asked to head. The Army wanted Booth back to help train new recruits in Afghanistan. It was here that she found herself stuck in this empty void.

Daisy had told her that she and Booth were holding each other back. She was quite possibly the best anthropologist alive at this point in time and she should really be helping solve the mystery of evolution, not identifying murder victims. And Booth had the heart of a warrior. He should be saving lives, not stopping people from killing more people. Brennan had to be honest that the only reason she'd stayed at this job for the past five years was because of Booth. She was much more content working with ancient cultures instead of five-year-old victims.

Hence the sinking feeling and empty void. She was being forced to choose between her career, her life's passion, and the man she was very well quite possibly in love with. Granted love was still bit of a foreign concept to her, but…

Her eyes again focused on the skull and she reached for it. She found herself uninterested in this case. The murder case of a hoarder was nothing compared to the hominid remains found in Indonesia. Brennan had been propelled to accept the offer to head the project. This was an incredible, once-in-a-lifetime, opportunity. But was leaving Booth alone to fend for himself in the middle of a war worth it? It was simple: if she stayed, Booth stayed. He'd be right here in D.C., with her, where he'd be safe. If she left, he left, and that risked the chance that they would never see each other again.

One year apart would turn into two and two into three. He would forget about her and finally find that person he'd been searching for: the kind of person who believed in love and marriage. Or worse yet, he would try to be the hero like always and have his life taken from him far too soon. No, Brennan couldn't let that happen. But in truth, there was nothing else that she _could_ do. After this case, she and Daisy would be on a plane to Indonesia and Booth on one to Afghanistan. After this case, the burning feeling of change would continue to weigh her down until she completely lost herself and retreated back into her protective shell.

(Insert line break here.)

He didn't want to solve this case. It wasn't because it was difficult or personal; he just didn't want to solve it. Because Booth knew the moment it was all over, _everything_ would be over. Bones would be on her way to becoming an evolutionary discoverer and he would be back in the Army. It would be as though they had never changed their career paths, as though they had never met.

But he knew that wouldn't be entirely true because he _had_ met her. Booth figured she would probably be on his mind 24/7. How could she not be? He was worried…no _terrified _that heading up this project would forever turn her away from her work at the Jeffersonian, with the FBI, with _him_, and would encourage her to remain in foreign countries uncovering ancient cultures. She wouldn't be Bones, the forensic anthropologist, anymore; she'd be Dr. Temperance Brennan, the _evolutionary_ anthropologist.

He couldn't have that. He wanted his Bones to stay here, with him, where he could keep an eye on her and protect her. And as honored as he was to be asked to train the new recruits, he really didn't want to do it. His life was here, with his son, with his team, and with his partner. A whole year away from them all…he just couldn't imagine it. But what could he do to stop it? There was no way she would stay just for him. This discovery thing was monumental and she had already turned down the idea of a relationship with him. Hadn't she? But what was it that she had said last week about being afraid of losing him? Did _her_ leaving _him_ constitute her _losing_ him?

God, why was this so complicated? He likes her. She likes him. It should be as simple as that. Why did he have to fall for the one woman who has to analyze the crap out of everything? One thing was for sure; her analyzing skills were starting to rub off on him.

(Insert line break here.)

Booth sighed and looked over at his desk clock. Bones' plane was leaving in half an hour. He looked back down at the photos of his old army buddies and wondered whether or not he should go say goodbye. The case had ended and other than a conversation mostly about eye contact, they still hadn't really talked to each other. They were both avoiding the topic so maybe he should just avoid her. Maybe if he didn't show up, she would think that something was wrong and would come to save him. Maybe she would realize what a huge mistake she was making and…

Booth flipped the page in his photo album, wondering if _he_ was making a mistake. He'd just assumed that with her gone, he'd want to be gone as well, even if that meant leaving his son for a year. But looking at the baby pictures of his only child, he felt like he had made the wrong decision for all of the wrong reasons. He looked back over at the clock wondering if he was going to miss her plane…

(Insert line break here.)

As Brennan pulled away from her hug with Angela, her eyes instantly scanned the surrounding area for her partner.

"Where's Booth?"

"He didn't come with us, Sweetie," Angela answered softly.

"Well, is he coming?"

"I don't know."

"Dr. Brennan, come on! We're going to miss our flight!"

"Just a minute, Miss Wick!"

"And you're willing to spend a whole year with _that_ and leave your best friends behind?" Angela retorted.

"Booth is going to be gone too and I figure now is the perfect time for you and Dr. Hodgins to go on your honeymoon. So stop complaining."

"Dr. Brennan!"

"Miss Wick, calm down. They haven't even started boarding yet."

She scanned the crowd again, disappointed when she couldn't find his warm brown eyes and comforting smile. How could he not be there to say goodbye to her? Why were his last words to her "well I guess we're done"?

"Bren, you should probably head out before Daisy has a panic attack," Angela said, rubbing her arm. "Booth probably just got caught up at the base."

"He shouldn't even _be_ at the base," Brennan mumbled, worrying again of what might happen to him over seas.

"You know why he's there don't you?" She detected a hint of resentment is Angela's voice. At least she wasn't the only one worried about him…

"Because I'm here," Brennan answered softly, dragging her luggage toward Daisy. "I should go. See you next year."

She followed Daisy as she headed toward the baggage check. Her sinking feeling officially had her sunk. She had managed to push away the only person she really truly cared about. Perhaps it was inevitable.

"So I was thinking how ironic it is that the letter of recommendation you wrote for me is actually allowing me to work for you yet again and –"

"Bones!"

She felt her heart skip a beat at the sound of his voice and at the sound of her name. Brennan turned around slowly, hoping that she hadn't gone crazy and that Booth was really there.

"I'm sorry I'm late," he apologized.

She suddenly felt like she was in one of those cheesy movies Angela had made her watch as they both rushed towards each other. She flung her arms around him and he nearly lifted her off of the ground with the force of his hug.

"I thought I'd pushed you away," she whispered into his shoulder.

"You could never do that, Bones," he said, stroking her hair.

Brennan pulled away, suddenly aware of the presence of her team. She noted her four friends watching them over Booth's shoulder and Daisy tapping her foot impatiently behind her. Wordlessly, Booth slipped his fingers in between hers.

"Don't go."

"How can you say that, Booth? I mean look at you; you're already wearing an Army issued uniform. They need you to help them out, just like I'm needed in Indonesia –"

"Don't care."

"Booth…"

"A year is too damn long, Bones. Too long for me not to be able to see you."

He ran the back of his hand down her arm.

"To touch you."

He leaned in so his lips were inches from hers.

"To kiss you."

"Boo –"

He didn't let her finish, crushing his lips against hers. She felt her heart skip a beat again, before reacting like she had the night they ruined Sweets' book for him.

"No!" she shouted, placing her hands on his chest as tears started burning at the back of her eyes. "Don't, just…don't."

"Why not?" Booth asked, grabbing her wrists. "Why the hell not?"

"You're making my leaving too hard."

"That's the point. I don't want you to go. There I said it. I don't want you to go. I want you to stay here, with me, acting like the good _forensic_ anthropologist that you are, solving murder cases. I believe that God created mankind so there's absolutely no reason for you to leave and look at some boring old remains. You need to be here."

"And I don't want you risking your life out in Afghanistan, but I'm not trying to stop you from doing it! I respect your religion, Booth, I really do, but you're wrong. Man didn't just appear, they _evolved_. That's why I have to go examine this discovery. It's a huge piece in the evolutionary puzzle."

"Jesus, Bones, I wasn't trying to get into an evolutionary debate with you. I just…a year is too damn long."

"You said that already," Brennan said softly, dropping her arms to her sides.

"Dr. Brennan, they're boarding first class! We _really_ need to go!"

"Bones…"

"It was when you faked your death and I thought you were dead."

"What are you talking about?"

"You told me to find that one moment that I _knew_. That was it. After that, everything was different. That's why I'm so afraid of losing you; the next time might be for real and I –"

"What are saying, Bones?"

"Just that I…I feel the same way you do. Now just…it isn't a good time. I have to go, Booth. I'm sorry."

She picked up her suitcase and again headed toward the baggage check.

"Wait! Just…promise me something?"

"What?" she asked, turning around.

"That you'll be here next year when I come back."

Brennan stared at him for a long moment before she moved over and kissed his cheek.

"I promise."

**AN: Sort of different than the way I wanted it, but eh… Well Feedback is majorly appreciated. And I was considering another chapter…**


	3. Time

**AN: When I went to edit this after uploading, it was one giant paragraph with no breaks at all. I think I fixed it, but if it happens to go back for some reason, I'm really sorry and please let me know. So I know I haven't written anything in like forever, and summer laziness is partially to blame. But I just also feel like no one's out there reading anymore, so if you're out there, please let me know and save me from going into a state of depression. Haha Anyway this chapter takes place one year after chapter 2. Enjoy!**

What is change? Why is change, change? Is it a good thing or is it a bad thing? Can it be both? Why does change have the power to switch everything? The answer isn't that hard. Without change, there would be no life. But just like anything else in life…to get through it, you have to face it. And facing it was not something Temperance Brennan was ready to do.

A full year had passed. She had spent 365 days with Daisy and without Booth. But as much as she missed her D.C. life, she wasn't prepared to go back and face the changes that had occurred. Cam had gotten pretty serious with the doctor she'd been dating and Brennan was sure it wouldn't be long before they got engaged. Angela and Hodgins were expecting a baby boy. And then there was Booth.

She had barely been able to talk to him this past year. They'd sent a few letters, but it wasn't nearly enough. Brennan knew that as soon as they were both back in D.C., Booth was going to want to start the relationship she had practically promised him. And even after a year, she still wasn't ready for that. She strongly disliked change and too much had changed already. So why should she let something change that she had the power to keep normal? 

_For Booth_, she thought looking out the window of the plane. _He wants this so much._

"Are you excited to go back home and see everyone, Dr. Brennan? I am. I just hope Lancelot waited for me, even though I told him it was okay if he didn't. I just want him to be happy, you know?"

Happy. It had been a long time since she was able to consider herself truly happy. Would starting a relationship with Booth leave her feeling happy or just trapped?

"Yes, Miss Wick, I understand."

"You know I was thinking, we _have_ been together for a whole _year_ now. Maybe it's time we drop the formalities when addressing each other?"

"Not until you've given your dissertation, Miss Wick."

Daisy sighed and continued to ramble on about Sweets. Brennan turned back to the window. Over the past year she'd been constantly arguing with herself about this whole Booth situation. She had ultimately decided that a relationship was something that she wanted, but as the hours until she was back in D.C. dwindled, she began to second guess herself.

"Dr. Brennan?"

"Hmm?"

"I asked you if you know what you're going to say to Agent Booth when you see him."

"Hello, most likely."

"I meant after that. I mean you being away from him for a year is like me being away from Lance. It's not a good thing at all."

"I don't know. I assume that once I see him, the words will just come."

At least, she hoped they would. Because right now, Brennan was afraid she wouldn't have anything to say at all.

(Insert line break here.)

Booth stood next to the coffee cart by the reflecting pool, her favorite drink in hand. He couldn't figure out why he was so nervous; it was just Bones he was waiting for. But maybe that was why: it was _Bones_.

And then he saw her. Her hair was longer, now skimming the tops of her breasts. Her alabaster skin had been tanned from the long hours spent working in the sun. She looked amazing. And that was going to make it that much harder to tell her what he needed to.

Brennan came up beside him; silently taking the drink she knew was hers out of his hand. The comfortable tension that had always existed between them was still ever present. A year apart had not changed things. The no longer recent admission of feelings had not changed things. It was like they were forever trapped like this.

"Solve the evolutionary puzzle?"

"Not quite."

She stared at the reflecting pool in front of her, refusing to meet his gaze.

"What, no welcome home, I'm glad you're not dead, hug?"

"You were holding hot coffee."

Booth put his cup down. "Not anymore."

Brennan put her cup down next to his and finally turned to face him. She took a step closer to him and snaked her arms around his waist. Booth pulled her closer to him, burying his face in her hair. God, how he'd missed the scent of her shampoo.

"Bones, I've got some bad news."

"What?" she asked, not letting go.

"While I was in Afghanistan, I started getting these really bad headaches. And then the hallucinations started again…"

Brennan stepped out of his embrace and turned back to face the reflecting pool. "So is the tumor back or were they completely incompetent when they tried to remove it the first time?"

"They're not sure yet. It all just…it's a recent development."

When she didn't say anything, he knew what she was thinking.

"Bones, this doesn't mean that I don't have real feelings for you."

She flinched like he had just slapped her, but still didn't say anything.

"I…I still love you. I –"

"No, you don't," Brennan said softly, twisting her necklace. "You just think that you do. The tumor…you don't really –"

Booth grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around to face him. "How can you say that? You _know_ how I feel about you."

"No, I know how the _tumor_ makes you feel about me."

"You're wrong."

"Am I?"

"I told you that the guy always knows, and I _knew_. Knew it from the moment our eyes locked for the very first time. You may not believe in fate, Bones, but I do. Why do you think that I had that dream that we were married?"

"Because I was reading my book to you?"

"Because I believed that there was something there already."

Brennan shook her head and tried to get out of his grip. "I don't believe you."

Cam's words from two years ago echoed in his head. _Be sure about your feelings because if you crack that shell, and you change your mind, she'll die of loneliness before she'll trust anyone ever again. _

"Why not? What's not to believe? If you're still trying to run from this –"

"I'm not."

"Then what is it?"

"I don't know how to explain it."

"Try."

"Booth…" she buried her face in her hands, his hands still gripping her shoulders. "I can't go through this again…I just can't."

He let go of her shoulders and tilted her head up to his.

"The tumor should be easy to remove. They did it before," he told her.

"But they didn't. Booth, this past year has made me realize how tired I am of this, of _us_. I just…I'm done."

"You can't be done."

"You don't really lo…Avalon was wrong. I can't believe I actually listened to a physic."

"Bones, what did Avalon tell you?"

"The riddle you can't solve is how ... somebody could love you. The answer to the question that you're afraid to say out loud is ... yes. He knows the truth of you, and he is dazzled by that truth," Brennan quoted.

"I think she was spot on."

Brennan shook her head, this time staring at her own reflection in the pool.

"Are you going to cut your hair?" Booth asked over her shoulder.

"I like it longer."

"Me too." He fisted a handful of loose curls in his palm. Booth brushed them out of the way and placed a soft kiss on her neck. "You just have to have faith, Bones. I do love you and I will long after they finally remove this tumor."

"And if you don't?" 

_Be sure about your feelings because if you crack that shell, and you change your mind, she'll die of loneliness before she'll trust anyone ever again. _

"That won't happen. There's no way that it could."

**AN: This story definitely has a mind of its own. When I started writing this chapter, the ending was nowhere in my mind's eye. But what are you going to do? I at least know where I'm taking this now; unlike before when I was just feeding off of episodes. Remember reviews are love. :)**


	4. Waiting

**AN: Whoo-hoo an update! Sorry it's been so long. I've spent my free moments this summer getting caught up on Grey's Anatomy. Saw one random episode of season 2 and was hooked. Haha **_**Almost**_** done with season 5. Oh! And if you have a free moment and want some spoilers, you should try to find the Bones Comic Con vids on YT. At one point, David and Emily start arguing over who loves who more…in baby voices… Too funny! Well anyway, update is here. Enjoy!**

In life, change is almost always a bad thing – that's the way that Brennan saw it. Change led to disaster and disaster led to pain. And yet the thing that was almost _worse_ than change was waiting. Waiting for a change that could bring your whole world crashing down around you in an instant.

That's where she found herself now: waiting. Waiting for Booth to call her and tell her that this whole tumor problem had been misdiagnosed, that he was going to be absolutely fine… that Avalon had been right. She _needed _things to be fine because quite simply, she couldn't handle them if they weren't. She couldn't handle the possibility that Booth's feelings for her might just be a figment of his imagination. She couldn't handle seeing him in yet another coma in which he may never wake up from. She couldn't handle losing him.

If their year apart had taught her anything, it was that she needed him in her life, especially now that Angela was married and had a baby on the way. She needed him to be her partner again so she could get back to forensics. While her time in Indonesia had been well spent and served as a pleasant break from dead children, she couldn't deny how much she actually missed solving murders. She needed him to be her friend whom she could tell anything to. Angela had the tendency to be a bit of a blabber mouth… And recently she had come to accept the fact that sometimes, she just needed him to hold her.

She knew it sounded pathetic, but his comfort often had a way of making her feel better.

Brennan glanced at her watch and then at her cell phone. Booth said he would get the results back at noon. It was 12:28 and she still hadn't heard from him. She was worried. He should have called her by now…

She got up from her spot on the couch in a huff and aimlessly wandered into the kitchen. She pulled a beer out of the fridge, hoping that the alcohol would help calm her nerves. Brennan leaned against the sink, toying with the ends of her hair as she nursed her drink. _Any minute now_, she told herself, _any minute now, he'll call and tell me that everything's going to be fine. More than fine even. He'll say that – _

There was a sharp knock on her door, bringing her out of her thoughts. Brennan put down her beer and rushed to open the door. Just like she had expected, it was Booth. But unlike what she had expected, was his expression. It was solemn and not in the least relieved.

"Booth?" She spoke his name softly, afraid of what his response would be.

He didn't say anything, instead just pulling her into a hug. Brennan focused on his heartbeat, hoping that it could reassure her in some way. It didn't. Booth pulled away and locked eyes with her.

"I think you're gonna want to sit down."

"That bad?"

Booth nodded and silently made his way over to her couch. Brennan followed, sitting down next to him.

"I wasn't misdiagnosed. They did manage to remove the tumor last time, but it came back."

Brennan instantly thought back to his terrified expression before he went into his surgery and how desperate his voice sounded when he begged her to be in there with him. She remembered standing in the OR, holding his limp hand, and watching the neurosurgeon dissect the tumor from his brain. She recalled never leaving his room as he lay unconscious in his hospital bed. She could still picture the words she had written and read to him. There was no way she could go through this again; no way _he_ could go through this again.

"There's more," Booth said, softly.

"More? What, has the cancer spread?"

"The tumor's inoperable."

She felt her whole world spiral out of control.

"Why is it inoperable?" It was the only thing she could think to say, even though she already knew the answer.

"It's gotten too big. An operation would be too dangerous. They just…they didn't catch it in time."

Brennan suddenly felt anger bubbling up inside of her.

"It's not their fault, Booth, it's _yours_. You should have realized the tumor was back the moment you started hallucinating! You should have come back home and had the operation to get it removed before it got this bad!"

"You weren't –"

"I could have returned too! You're more important to me than some ancient, dusty remains!"

"I just blamed the hallucinations on the heat and the stress. It happens, _they_ happen. People say crazy stuff happens in the desert all of the time."

"Not all people have been diagnosed with brain cancer!"

"Bones, I'm sorry. I –"

"What were you hallucinating this time? Dead army buddies? Hockey players? Animated babies?"

"Don't make me tell you," Booth whispered.

"I want to know, Booth. I want to know what was so damn important that you let it cost you your life."

"I'm not going to die, Bones. I start chemo next week. I can beat this."

"Who were you seeing, Booth?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"Hurt me? There's no one you could have seen who would have –"

"I saw you, but you were my wife…the club owner. And you were pregnant."

There's no one he could have seen who would have hurt her, except for that…except for _her_. _She _was just one more problem pointing to the solution that Booth didn't really love her.

"See? This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you! I knew you'd jump to conclusions."

"How did you –"

"You haven't said anything for at least a minute and I know you. It was just a hallucination, Bren."

"_Bren_? See now that's where you're wrong. All of your past hallucinations were linked to what was going on in your life. So you must have been missing me while you were over there. But the thing is, Booth, you didn't see me, you saw _her_. She's the one that you're in love with, your _wife_, not me. And the fact that you just called me _Bren_ proves it."

"Angela calls you Bren all of the time."

"Yeah, but_ you_ don't. You call me Bones. It's what you've called me since the first time we worked together. You don't get to just change that now to try and prove something to me!"

"Bones –"

"And then there's the fact that you didn't want it to stop. You didn't want her to go away, so you just brushed off the idea of it being another tumor like it was nothing. All because you didn't want to lose her again…because I'm not her."

"I don't want you to be her, Bones. I want you to be you!"

"Could have fooled me…"

"I honestly don't know why I saw her. The tumor –"

"No! Don't you dare blame this on the tumor!"

"Why not?"

"Because if the tumor is the reason why you chose her instead of just regular me, then your love for _me_ is just a symptom of your cancer."

"Bones, I told you yesterday that I've known long before I started hallucinating that I had feelings for you. And there's no way they would have been able to take it out if it had been growing for that long."

"No, Booth you were _attracted_ to me. There's a difference between love and attraction."

"Do you love me?"

"What?"

"I just ask because the last time I asked you said no."

"You never asked. You said that you wanted to give us a chance and you kissed me and rambled off about couples who've been together for 50 years, but you never, not once, asked me if I was in love you."

"So, are you?"

"I don't know," Brennan said softly as the tears began to fill her eyes. "I still don't know. A year apart and I still can't tell. But what I do know is this: I want you to love me. That has to mean something right? That has to mean that I care…"

She choked on her own words as her tears started spilling out of her eyes. Booth pulled her into his arms and she sunk into his embrace.

"I don't want to lose you, Booth. I can't."

Booth began to stroke her hair, forgetting how long it had become over their year apart.

"You know, in my dream and in my hallucinations she's everything like you another than your career choice. You're both smart, and beautiful, and don't fully comprehend pop culture..." Brennan laughed lightly at that and Booth continued. "I think the reason why my subconscious made us club owners and not partners working for the FBI is because it takes out the rule that tells us we can't be together. It allows us to be married. That's why I keep reverting back to her; there are no rules with her."

"You know I hate psychology."

"Yeah, I've noticed."

"Can we just focus on getting you better and worry about all of this love nonsense later?"

"We can do that."

They sat in silence for while, just enjoying the fact that they were together again. A year apart had been far too long.

"Are you fully aware of the toll chemo is going to take on your body?" Brennan asked, needing to talk about _something_.

"I know I'm going to lose my long luscious mane of hair."

"I'm serious, Booth."

"So am I! If we can't make light out of this situation, it's going to get down right depressing, and fast."

"Does Parker know? Does he even know that you're home?"

"I saw him yesterday, but I wanted to wait until I got the test results back before I got him all worked up. And you're the first person I've told the results to."

"This isn't going to be easy on him."

"This isn't going to be easy on any of us."

"You know I've heard that marijuana can help with some of the effects of the chemo…"

"Oh so now you're suggesting I do illegal drugs?"

"No! There have actually been medical studies done to determine the medical purposes of the substance. I was just trying to give you some advice."

"I know and thanks for that really, but I've still got a week before I start chemo. We've got plenty of time to worry about that stuff. Right now, let's just focus on the fact that we've got the whole team together again!"

"I doubt we'll be doing much crime solving over the next few months."

"We?"

"You really think I'm going to let you go though this alone? Tell me when you have chemo, and I'll be there. And if I can't, I'll send Angela or Cam or somebody. Your health is the number one priority right now, Booth, not catching serial killers."

"I guess I'm pretty lucky to have a friend like you who cares so much."

"That was a very corny thing to say in this situation, but you're welcome. I've 'got your back' on this one, Booth. Just think of it as payment for all of the times you've had mine."

**AN: Feedback is majorly appreciated! **


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